I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize