its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
