his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The power of my boobs compel you
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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