That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
