tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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