At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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