I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
