I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
