is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Never let your siblings swipe right.
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