Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize