At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
