I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
