I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
