so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
