My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
