The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
