Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
