Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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