I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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