what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
