I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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