and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
