i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The best revenge is premature balding
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
