she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
