I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He shit in the fireplace
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
