im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I stole a fireplace last night.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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