We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
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