I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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