Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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