just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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