There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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