The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
