I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
