I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
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