living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
