You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
