Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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