Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
