life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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