I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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