Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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