Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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