She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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