I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
