I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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