i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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