She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize