did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There's always time for handjobs
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
