the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
