There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
