made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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