she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize