I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
