I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
