Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
