If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
