So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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