He asked to "fluff my boner.."
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Randomize
