Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
