So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
